Self Sabotage

Originally posted December 19, 2009

Self Sabatoge. Why does this seem to be one of my greatest accomplishments? Why am I so damn good at this? Why do I do this when I know the next day, or within a few hours, I will feel miserable?

I don't know how many times I've had a pep talk inside my head with myself about how I want to look and what I am going to do to get there. It's a pretty easy formula really-calories in vs. calories out. I'm going to start running again, lifting again and of course, the old stand by-I'm going to start dieting again. So why....when all my pants are snug and I can "feel" my hips and back moving do I continue to sabotage myself? Continue to eat poorly and refuse to exercise? How is this actually the easier thing to do?

Perhaps I am just taking advantage of the last two weeks of the year? But, honestly, I can gain 5 lbs in the next two weeks and it will take me two months to get rid of that! Those are the laws of physics working against me.

But really, isn't it me working against me? What's going on that I allow this type of behavior to continue? I'm too smart to let this happen. It doesn't matter what is happening in my life. This is actually the one thing I can control. So when so many other things in my life are out of control, why don't I take the reigns and start steering my own course? Why aren't I thinking of this as a competition? I always do so much better when I have someone/something else against which to compete.

When I was younger and misbehaving, my mom always used to say, "You wouldn't have any friends if you treated them the way you treat me." Which, was pretty much true. Why, in that same vein, do I treat myself so badly? I'm the only one I've got.

So what is self sabotage about? Is there some party of me that thinks I'm not worthy? Honestly, I don't think I feel that bad about myself. I think it is much more to do with lethargy, which is ridonkulous!

Is this my farewell to self sabotage? My posting this blog that does or does not get read, am I putting it out there. Is that the challenge? People will know and so I'll have to do something to prove I've learned my lesson and not sabotaging myself any longer?

Or, am I really just fighting against the notion that I have to be thin? Am I bucking society and saying, "Fuck you. I'm 5'1" and it's o.k. to be 130?" No, I don't think that's it either. I don't have enough moral fortitude to claim that route.

So, it really is being lazy and finding the path of least resistance, which is the path to comfort food and drink. But, I deserve better than that! And all the drama and heart ache after another binge of bad behavior is a fool's sport.

Suck it up girl. You're smart you know what you have to do to. Challenge yourself, make it your own game. In the word's of Nike's marketing geniuses--just do it!