This girl. Not that girl.: Anatomy of a Free Press Half Marathon

Originally posted October 20, 2010

After running for the past 19 years, I can honestly say that I know what I am doing. I mean, who the hell would put their body through such an ordeal for 19 years if they didn't know what the hell was going on? As such, I am going to be benevolent and share some pre-race, during-race, and post-race tips.

Pre-Race Don'ts

Don't set a goal time that is not based in reality, this will only disappoint you. If you are not sure what "reality" is for a goal time here are some tips to factor in a reality-based goal time: Did you train properly? Did you miss an entire week of running because you had a cold two weeks before the race? Is it the world's largest marathon (lots of people can hinder a runner's normal forward motion, and thus the runner has to rely on lateral motion-which only takes up extra time)? Is the course flat? Hilly? Did you get a bladder infection the day before the race that could result in unnecessary pit stops along the route?

Don't wait until the last minute to go to the expo. If one of your best friends is running her first marathon relay, and is known for having difficulty leaving places and arriving places on time, don't count on her to arrive on time. Because, in the event that she shows up late, you really have no one to blame but yourself because you should have known better. If, however, she does arrive on time, just be grateful and don't give her any passive aggressive crap.

Don't spend over $100 for three people on a pre-race meal because you are too lazy to walk to the church where they are hosting the "traditional" spaghetti dinner, which also happens to be a fundraiser. While all runners know there is an added benefit to relaxing the night before a big race, there is a balance that has to take place, a balance between comfort, your pocket book, and being insane.

Don't be afraid to mildly hit the person sleeping in the bed next to you and say, "Hey, you're snoring." They will only hear what you say out loud, i.e., the snoring part. They will not hear what you are saying in your head, which is, "Shut the fuck up! I have to get up at 5:00 a.m. tomorrow to eat breakfast and I need a good night's sleep."

Don't underestimate how crowded it will be at the start. Even if you are luxuriating in a schwanky hotel just four-five blocks from the start, you should probably leave your room more than 20 minutes prior to the race. Despite your assignment to a corral, there are no escorts to get you through a crowd of 15,000+ runners who are tightly packed into a city street. If you approach corral M and you are assigned to C, and they have already sung the national anthem and the wheelchair races have taken off, assume you will not get much farther than corral F.

Pre-Race Dos

Document. Document. Document. Take as many pictures as possible at the expo, eating dinner, after you've gotten dressed, approaching the race, any significant mile markers, etc. See end of posting for a variety of examples.

Race Don'ts

Don't forget about elevation. Keep in mind that no one takes an elevator to get to the Ambassador Bridge. There is a reason you look up at the bridge, cuz it's high. You will be making this ascent for close to a mile. I know it's only miles 2-3 miles in, but pace yourself. A quick race "Do," try to distract yourself by the gorgeous pink and orange ribbons in the sky that accompany the sunrise. It helps.

Don't forget that you aren't the only one running the race. OK, I get it, it's pretty cool to be running a race that requires a passport at check in because you are running across international borders-twice! However, the runners have access to only two of the bridge's four lanes. So when you slow down to get your phone out of the many layers of your running suit you are unnecessarily wearing for a race that starts in 45+ degrees to take a photo, it slows you down, and thus the runners behind you. I recommend you drive over the bridge post race and take a photo of the "Ambassador Bridge" sign. The sunrise, well, you're outta luck with that one, unless you come back the following day at 7:15 a.m.

Don't get bogged down with anti-American sentiment that will just annoy you. When running in Windsor along Riverside Drive and you see at the park the monument to Canada's Vietnam Vets, don't go on a political downward spiral about how stupid it is that all these other countries get sucked into these stupid wars that the US seems to start, because that could be a lot of thinking about war. Instead, just be happy that other countries are willing to help us clean up our messes and don't hate us entirely, I think.

Don't forget that Windsor is not significantly elevated above Detroit. When you enter that mile-long tunnel as you head back to the US, which happens to be for over a mile with temps at least 10-15 degrees higher than you've been running in, remember that what goes down, must go up. And that, alas, you will not be running the entire mile down hill, you will actually have to exert yourself in what seems to be the Sahara Desert with car exhaust.

Don't get angry about the abundant of beautiful and quaint houses in Mexicantown that have been covered in vinyl and aluminum siding. Wait, I'm wrong here. This should actually be a Race Do.

Race Dos

Document. Document. Document. Take as many pictures as possible to help remember this amazing journey, unless of course your fuddling with the phone/camera is going to hold someone else up.

Do remember to have fun! Aside from the fact that you have to run in order to consume the daily amount of calories you have gotten used to over the past 20 years, do try to have fun. Take in the music; take in the bands; take in the kids on the sidelines with signs; make eye contact with supporters (if you have the energy to lift your head), smile and nod (if your face doesn't hurt and you have the energy to nod).

Do remember that you would like to keep running in the future, so you can continue to eat all the chocolate that Amanda puts out at work-which you practically demand, so listen to your body if it is hurt. Don't hesitate to stop and walk, stretch, cry, have a mini (or maxi) emotional break down, curse yourself for lack of preparation, etc. Bottom line....DO what you gotta DO.

Do pick out your Gumby. This could very well be the most important race do! Your Gumby is the person that you keep your eye on throughout the race. This is the person/people that you will be beside yourself if they finish before you. These can be women older than you, men older than you, girls younger than you (especially if they are wearing tight shirts that reveal their very slim and taught midsection and the top of their shorts are rolled down and they are in their 20s and wearing makeup and braids) and pre teen boys. You can have multiple Gumby's throughout the race, especially the last mile as you kick up the speed and post your fastest time of the whole race!

Post Race Don'ts

Don't expect anyone to read your running blog if it is the equivalent of either a long, short story or a short novel. This is egotistical and ridiculous. As your therapist says, "You're not that special."

Post-Race Do's

Do get your medal almost immediately! Isn't that one of the main reasons you do this? For the hardware?

Do get post-race food post-haste. Sometimes they run out. Even if you can't walk or breathe, try to get over to the food and beverage table before all the good bagels and drinks are gone!

Document! Document! Document! Take as many pictures as possible to ensure a record exists that this event indeed did happen-finish line with medal; finish line with medal and warming blanket; finish line with medal, warming blanket and flowers; in front of any race signs; in front of a building that used to be the home of a newspaper for which the race is named after; in the hotel room after looking so much better than your immediate post race picture at the race; at the restaurant outside after you've had the most amazing Philly Cheese Steak sandwhich you've ever had in your life; in the various rooms of the hotel for which you acquired a private tour; random shots in the parking structure; and ridiculous shots with statues that have nothing to do with the race. Again, see below for examples.

Do plan to do it all over again! Because not unlike the agony of childbirth, of which I have no personal experience but can imagine, you love the end result, eventually forget the pain, and can't wait to start planning for the next one!